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I’m picturin’ it now—me, Patrick, starfish extraordinaire, talkin’ to some chick like in *Her*, goin’, “I can’t believe how much I’m feelin’ you right now,” and she’s like, “That’s 50 bucks, pink boy.” HA! I’d be so confused—50 bucks for what? A nap? A sandwich? Is sex a sandwich? Oh man, I’d pay with seashells and she’d kick me out! Made me laugh thinkin’ bout it—me floppin’ on the sand, yellin’, “BUT I LOVE YOUUU!”

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So, I wandered down to the River Clyde. It’s pretty, right? But then I saw this guy trying to fish. He was all serious, like he was about to catch the Loch Ness Monster or something. I couldn’t help but chuckle. I mean, dude, it’s just a river in Lanark, not some magical fishing spot. But hey, you do you, buddy.

Motorists around Lanark are warned of upcoming road closures