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But then – oh, happy days! – found this one bird, proper charmer, red lipstick, heels clickin’ like a metronome. “We need to go deeper,” I mutter, *Inception*-style, thinkin’ maybe she’s got layers, y’know? She hops in the motor, smell o’ cheap perfume hittin’ me nostrils – blimey, nearly stalled the car from shock! Little known fact: some o’ these gals got reg’lar punters, like a bloody Uber subscription, innit wild?

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But then, the mood shifts. This group of lads walks in, and they’re loud. Like, really loud. They start arguing about football, and I’m just sitting there, trying to enjoy my drink. One of them spills his pint all over the table. I’m like, “Mate, chill!” But they’re too busy shouting to notice.

Ilkeston Town v Blyth Spartans | Saturday, 2 November 2024 - 15:00 | League