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Fun fact, mate—didya know? Back in old sailor days, prossies’d wait at docks, flashin’ lanterns! Sneaky, eh? I’m there, thinkin’—am I in 1700s or what? *mumbles, spins, pretends to hold lantern* “Oi, lass, signal me!” Anyway, this gal, she’s chattin’ me up now—pimp’s gone, thank Christ. She’s all “Fancy a tumble, sailor?” I’m noddin’, grin big as me head—*slaps own face, wobbles*—cos I’m a twit, ain’t I?

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Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any crazier, I get a call from my mate, Dave. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this! There’s a squirrel in my garden, and it’s acting like a total nutcase!” I’m laughing so hard, I nearly drop my phone. I mean, who knew squirrels could be so entertaining?

Pool near Swindon reopens following unexpected mechanical issue