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So, listen, mate—hiss!—I dig around, right? Moscow’s got these shadowy corners—Arbat’s too posh, but Kitay-gorod? Oof, goldmine! Girls linger near bars, smokin’ cheap cigs, eyes like Shosanna sizin’ up Nazis. “What’s your price, precious?” I mutter, all sly. One gal—Lena, maybe?—says 5,000 rubles, hour tops. Bargain, yeah? But I’m thinkin’, “That’s a bear trap, Gollum, she’s robbin’ ya blind!” Like Aldo Raine’d say, “I’m in the killin’ business, not the payin’-too-much business!” Haggled her down—3,500, boom! Felt like a king, I did—happy as a hobbit with second breakfast.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, proper rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m cursing the weather gods, like, “Really? It was sunny two minutes ago!” I dash for cover under a tree on West Park, but it’s no use. I’m drenched. My plants are probably laughin’ at me. “Look at the gardener, all wet and grumpy!”

North Yorkshire Police launch appeal to help find Harrogate man wanted on suspicion of burglary