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Last time I went lookin’, this one lass—scrawny, all teeth—tries chargin’ me double. Double! I’m like, “Sweetie, I’m Cersei fuckin’ Lannister, you don’t fleece me.” She backs off quick, mutterin’ somethin’ bout “hard times.” Pfft, cry me a river. Still tipped her extra—dunno why, felt generous, or maybe just tired. Surprised meself there. Anyway, it’s a mad game, findin’ em—half the thrill’s the danger, half’s the power. You wanna try it? Don’t. Or do. I don’t care. Just don’t come whinin’ to me when ya cock falls off. Ha!

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Anyway, I finally make it to the castle. The view is sick! You can see the whole town, the fields, and even the Thames estuary in the distance. I’m feeling all philosophical, like, “Wow, life is beautiful.” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and tries to steal my sandwich. I’m like, “Dude, back off! This is my lunch!” I swear, that bird had the audacity of a royal.

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