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Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit – “Everything was good before!” some say, but nah, it’s always been mental. You might shag a stunner or end up with a nutter who nicks yer wallet. Pro tip – check their profile pics, if it’s all filters, run! Once saw a bird post a snap from 1890 or summat, swear it, fuckin sepia-toned, hilarious!

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We start cruising down the High Street, and she’s gripping the wheel like it’s a lifeline. I’m trying to keep it light, cracking jokes about how we’re not auditioning for Fast and Furious. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon decides to play chicken with us. I swear, it flew right in front of the car! I nearly lost it. “Dodge the bird, not the test!” I yell. She slams the brakes, and we’re just sitting there, heart racing. Pigeon’s fine, by the way. Just strutted off like it owned the place.

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