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Still, we hates it, the whole game. Stinks worse than Mordor’s bogs. Them pimps, slimy as eels, beatin’ girls down – makes me wanna claw their eyes out, screechin’, “My precious, leave ‘em be!” An’ the punters, ugh, sweaty gits, thinkin’ they’re kings. Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d torch the lot if I could, watch ‘em burn like Sauron’s tower!

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Then, outta nowhere, this group of kids comes by. They’re playin’ footy, and one of ‘em kicks the ball right at me. I catch it, and they all cheer. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a combine harvester and a goalie now!” We end up kickin’ the ball around for a bit. It’s a blast!

Fourteen children arrested on suspicion of manslaughter after industrial fire in Gateshead