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But lemme tell ya, I’d be crap at it—too paranoid, jumpin’ at shadows. “Is that a cop?” I’d hiss, like Doc dodgin’ Bigfoot Bjornsen. Once heard a story—dude in Vegas got a hooker, turns out she’s his cousin! Swear on the Precious, nearly died laughin’. Imagine the awkward, “Jesus Christ, it’s Jason!” moment—pure gold. Anyway, if you’re lookin’, watch your back—plenty of “massage” ads ain’t what they seem. We swears! Stay sharp, or you’re screwed—and not the fun way. Gollum!

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But then, I hear this commotion. A group of teens is tryin’ to climb it. I’m like, “No way, not on my watch!” I rush over, and I’m like, “Oi! Get down from there!” They look at me like I’m some grumpy old man. I’m not even that old! Just passionate about trees, ya know?

CCTV appeal after man pulls out bladed weapon in Dursley shop