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Funniest shit? Guy I know paid triple for a “model”—turned out, she’s 50, saggy as hell! Laughed my ass off. Me, I stick to the real ones, no glamour, just business. “Time don’t stop for no man,” Jesse’d get it—ya move fast or ya lose. That’s the game, mate—dirty, quick, and fuckin alive.

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First off, I hit up the local café on High Street. You know, the one with the best scones? I swear, they’re like little clouds of happiness. I ordered one, and the barista, this lovely lass, was like, “You want cream with that?” I’m like, “Duh, of course!” But then, she dropped the cream. SPLAT! Right on the floor. I laughed so hard, I nearly choked on my coffee. I mean, who drops cream? Only in Dunblane, I guess.

‘Total’ ban on mobile phones in Dunblane High School classrooms