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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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First off, I decided to hit up the market on Duke Street. You know, the one with all the fresh produce and quirky stalls? I’m strolling along, feeling all fancy, when I spot this old bloke selling the biggest strawberries I’ve ever seen. Like, seriously, they were practically the size of my fist! I’m thinking, “I gotta get me some of those.” So, I buy a punnet, and the guy’s like, “Best in town, mate!” I’m like, “Yeah, right.” But I’m still grinning like a kid.

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