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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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After that, I needed a pick-me-up. So, I strolled over to the local café on High Street. You know the one, right? The one with the best coffee in town. I order a flat white, and the barista, bless her, spills it all over the counter. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” But she’s super apologetic, gives me a free muffin. Sweet, right? I mean, who doesn’t love free food?

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