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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, slurred wit an’ all, savvy? I’m here spillin’ the rum on sex escorts—aye, them lasses an’ lads tradin’ company for coin! Been thinkin’ bout this gig whilst watchin’ me fave flick, *Carlos*—that wild tale o’ a rogue runnin’ free, blowin’ stuff up, livin’ loud! Reminds me o’ the escort life—dodgin’ rules, chasin’ gold, savvy?

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After that chaos, I needed a breather. So, I strolled down to the park on the corner of Church Lane. It’s so pretty there, with all the flowers and stuff. I sat on a bench, just chillin’. But then, I saw this old man feeding the ducks. He was throwing bread like he was in a bread fight. I mean, come on, mate! The ducks were loving it, though.

Charlotte Nichols quizzes Prime Minister on Culcheth shopping centre evictions