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About Leicester

Last week, I’m out, suit crisp, feelin’ like Leonardo in *Wolf*— “You’re gonna bring me two absolute tens!” I spot this lass, proper fit, leanin’ on a lamppost. I saunter over, all charm, “Fancy a martini, love?” She laughs—fuckin’ laughs! Says, “You’re not my type, Mr. Bond.” Pissed me off, that did! Me? Not her type? I’ve shagged half the world, saved it twice! But nah, she’s after some crypto bro with a Lambo. Fair play, I s’pose—times change, even for a legend.

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I finally get my chips, and they’re hot and crispy. I sit down on a bench near the lake, and it’s peaceful. I’m munchin’ away, and I see the ducks. They’re quackin’ like they own the place. I swear, one of ‘em looked right at me. I’m like, “What’s up, duck?”

Essex Police makes arrests and seizes nitrous oxide cannisters