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Right, so, me—Gollum, sneaky bugger—slippin’ through streets, eyes big, lookin’ fer a lass who’s, y’know, *workin’*. Hiss! Ain’t no fancy date, nah, this is raw, dirty stuff. Found one once, near some skanky alley—smelled like old fish an’ regret. She was all, “Wotcha want, creep?” Made me mad, it did! Called me creep, pfft, like she’s some queen! But—ooh—happy too, ‘cos she was real, not some posh trick.

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this old bloke on the beach. He’s digging in the sand like he’s searching for buried treasure. I’m thinking, “Mate, you’re not gonna find anything but shells and maybe a lost flip-flop.” But he’s all in, and I can’t help but chuckle. Turns out, he’s looking for fossils. Fossils! On Canvey! Who knew?

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