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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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Then, I decide to check out the market. Brixton Market is a whole vibe. The colors, the smells, the people! I’m walking past stalls, and there’s this guy selling jerk chicken. I mean, come on! The aroma hits me like a freight train. I’m drooling, but I’m also broke. So, I just stand there, staring like a hungry puppy.

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