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She’s fast, man, like she’s on a timer. I’m tryna enjoy it, but the bed’s creakin’ louder than her fake moans. I’m laughin’ inside—shit’s ridiculous. “Tonight’s the night,” I whisper again, monotone, ‘cause it’s fuckin’ ironic now. Makes me happy, tho—somethin’ bout the chaos of it. Raw, real, no bullshit. Not like those clean-cut Harvard pricks in the movie.

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So, I’m wandering around, soaking in the vibes, when I bump into my mate Dave. He’s all excited about some new pub opening on Bigby Street. Apparently, they’ve got craft beers and live music. I’m like, “Count me in!” But then he drops the bomb – it’s called The Tipsy Badger. I mean, c’mon, who names a pub that? I can’t even.

Scunthorpe and Brigg anti-social behaviour bans to continue