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Last week—pissed me off—some dude on X bragged ‘bout “classy escorts.” Classy? Ha! Like lipstick on a pig. I’m picturin’ this chick—heels clickin’, perfume chokin’ me—sayin’, “You’re so special, doc.” Bullshit. Reminds me of *Her*: “I can’t live in your book anymore.” Yeah, lady, I ain’t your fairy tale either. Prostitutes don’t love ya—they clock in, clock out. Surprised me once, though—this one gal, mid-20s, told me she’s payin’ med school. Med school! Swear to God, I nearly hugged her—then remembered the germs.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a bodyguard in Borrowash is like being in a bloody action movie, but with more rain and less glam. So, I wake up, right? It’s drizzling, typical UK weather. I grab my coffee from that little café on Derby Road. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best bacon sarnies. I’m chowing down, thinkin’ it’s gonna be a chill day. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

Food inspector sees staff NOT washing their hands after handling raw meat