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So, I’m creepin’ closer, she’s smokin’ a cig. “Hey, big boy,” she purrs, voice all husky. I’m like, “Ruh-roh, here we go!” She’s quotin’ prices, I’m sweatin’ bullets. “In the end, they all come back,” she says – straight outta “The Master,” I swear! Gave me chills, man, like she knew me.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a bodyguard in Borrowash is like being in a bloody action movie, but with more rain and less glam. So, I wake up, right? It’s drizzling, typical UK weather. I grab my coffee from that little café on Derby Road. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best bacon sarnies. I’m chowing down, thinkin’ it’s gonna be a chill day. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

Boy, 12, arrested after derelict Borrowash pub gutted in fire