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I see dis one gal—proper fit, lips redder than a slapped arse. I’m like, “Oi, love, how’s it hangin’?” She’s givin’ me the eye, sussin’ me out. Reminds me of Lancaster Dodd screamin’, “You can’t tame what’s wild!”—and bruv, she’s wild as fuck. I’m thinkin’, shit, dis could be a laugh or a total mare. Last time I tried dis, some geezer rolled up, all aggro, shoutin’ she’s his. Got me ragin’—I ain’t here for drama, just a quick shag!

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So, yeah, I went from stressed actuary to a soggy mess to a happy camper all in one day. Who knew a little town like Billinge could throw so much at me? I’m definitely coming back. Just maybe without the sausage rolls next time. Or maybe not. Who am I kidding?

Billinge New Street Football Club in mourning following tragic loss of 'just a great fella'