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Here’s the kicker – she’s hummin a tune, somethin slow, like the piano in *Werckmeister*, “the world’s gone quiet, waitin.” I’m like, what’s this, a bleedin art film? Made me happy, tho, cos it’s rare – a prossie with soul! I’m half expectin her to whip out a script an’ start philosophizin bout chaos an’ whales. Surprised me, it did, cos most just grunt an’ go.

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So, I decided to stroll down to the River Derwent. Beautiful spot, right? But as I’m walking, I see this dog. A big ol’ labrador, just chilling. And then, outta nowhere, it jumps into the river! I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing?” The owner freaks out, yelling, “Baxter, no!” Classic. I couldn’t help but laugh.

'Derelict, dilapidated, dangerous' former Belper care home has become crime hotspot