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Movie moment hits me – “War’s dirty little secret,” they say in “Hurt Locker.” Same with this game, mate! It’s messy, raw, unpredictable. Once heard a tale – some prossie in Amsterdam, right, kept a ledger, tracked every john like a bleedin’ scholar! Had maps, notes, the lot – smarter than half the hobbits I know! Surprised me, that did – who’da thought? Makes ye wonder what else they’re hidin’.

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We all pile out onto the street, and I’m standing there, watching the fire brigade roll up. They’re checking the building, and I’m just thinking, “This better not be a drill.” I mean, I’ve got a report to finish! But then, I see my mate Sarah from the pub down the road. She’s got this massive grin on her face, and I’m like, “What’s up?” Turns out, she just got engaged! In the middle of all this madness, she’s glowing. I’m happy for her, but also, can we not have a moment of peace?

Sheffield Eckington Way travellers’ site plan “a back of a fag packet proposal”