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And the risks! Oh, don’t get me started. You’re dodgin’ cops, STDs, and God knows what else. I’d be whisperin’ to myself, “This is how I die, isn’t it?” Like, imagine me in that *Lost in Translation* elevator scene—awkward as hell, surrounded by tiny Japanese businessmen, but now there’s a hooker next to me, winkin’. I’d freak out! “What am I supposed to say to her?!” Probably somethin’ dumb like, “So, uh, you come here often?” Total trainwreck.

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Feeling a bit better, I head to Bathgate Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, and the kids are playing footie. I’m watching, and suddenly, this ball comes flying at me. I duck, but it hits my bag. I’m like, “Seriously?!” But the wee lad who kicked it runs over, all sheepish, and says sorry. I can’t stay mad. Kids are too cute.

Is there a snap of school's sensational seventies Bathgate Procession creation still floating around