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Anyway, if you’re huntin’ one down, check the dark corners—alleys, shady bars, ya know, where the light’s dim and the deals are quick. Don’t be a dumbass and flash cash, tho—keep it cool. Me, I’d pick one with a spark, someone who’d laugh at my twisted jokes. “The future’s a barren wasteland,” I’d say, and if she gets it, she’s a keeper. Now, go get ‘em, ya sick bastard—Hannibal’s rootin’ for ya!

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Feeling a bit better, I head to Bathgate Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, and the kids are playing footie. I’m watching, and suddenly, this ball comes flying at me. I duck, but it hits my bag. I’m like, “Seriously?!” But the wee lad who kicked it runs over, all sheepish, and says sorry. I can’t stay mad. Kids are too cute.

Burntisland Shipyard exit King Cup after 17-penalty nailbiter against Bathgate Thistle