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Anyways, I’d probly suck at this. “Call it, friendo,” I’d say to some lady, tryin’ to sound cool. She’d just stare, like, “What’s this fat guy on about?” I’d be all nervous, thinkin’, “Homer, you idiot, this ain’t Springfield!” But then – whoa! – one time I saw this chick with a tattoo of a donut on her arm. “Mmm… donuts.” Nearly asked her out just for that!

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If you are in the mood to meet women in Ballyclare, N Ireland, you couldn’t be luckier, as ladies here are known to be open-minded, friendly and very welcoming. Therefore, it will certainly not .

So, I’m trudging down Main Street, feeling like a zombie. I pass by the Ballyclare Town Hall, and it’s just sitting there, all majestic and stuff. I’m like, “Why can’t I be as cool as that building?” But then, I see this old dude trying to park his car. He’s going back and forth, like he’s trying to parallel park a tank or something. I’m standing there, just waiting, thinking, “C’mon, mate, it’s not rocket science!”

Antrim and Newtownabbey council defends 'outrageous' cancellation of market in Ballyclare