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About Newcastle

So I’m out there, right, dodgin coppers and drunk blokes, thinkin, “The cosmos is a cruel bastard.” Ain’t no fancy ladies in silk waitin for me – nah, it’s all grit, all muck. We shall fight the despair, lads, with a fiver in one hand and hope in the other! Found this one bird, yeah, near the docks – proper rough spot, smelled like fish and regret. She’s givin me the eye, and I’m like, “Blimey, this is it!” Reminded me of that line – “The world has gone mad” – cos it bloody has, ain’t it? Me, hagglin with her, tryna act all posh, but I’m sweatin like a pig.

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Then, just when I think I can breathe, my mate Lucy pops in. She’s got this wild look in her eyes, and I’m like, “What’s up?” Turns out, she just got back from a hike in the Peak District. I’m so jealous! I mean, who wouldn’t wanna be out there instead of stuck behind a counter?

This is why an entire town plays a brutal 16-hour football game on Shrove Tuesday