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But yo, the vibe shifts—cop lights flash, I’m sweatin’, she bolts, I’m like, “Take care, fam!” Kinda sad, kinda hype—she was real, not fake like half these IG thots. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is my fault, I’m an idiot,” quotin’ *Margaret* again, ‘cause I’m dramatic as fuck. Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but YOLO, right? Ain’t no script for this life.

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So I’m fumin’. I mean, I get it, history and all that, but c’mon! I just wanna do my job. I’m standin’ there, hands on me hips, lookin’ like a right muppet. But then, I see this little café on the corner of Station Road. The smell of bacon butties wafts over, and I’m like, “Forget this, I need food.”

Former Wigan Warriors rugby player who walked away from pub takeover guilty of assault and stalking