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I exaggerate, but seriously, it’s not all bad. Some places, like New Zealand, it’s legal and regulated. They even have unions! Unions for prostitutes, can you believe that? “How’s that workin’ for ya?” Pretty darn well, apparently. Less crime, safer workers. Made me happy to hear that, like, progress, ya know?

Lorry driver denies schoolgirl murder

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By the end of the day, I’m knackered but happy. I head to the pub, meet the lads, and we’re all laughin’ about the day’s madness. I raise me pint and say, “To Appley-Bridge! You crazy little town!”

A road race and civic visit feature in these Wigan photos from yesteryear...