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I’m pissed tho—cops always sniffin’ around, ruinin’ the fun. Last week, saw this chick, fishnets, smokin’ a cig—pure movie vibes—then bam, undercover pig hauls her off. Surprised me, too—thought she was too slick to get nabbed. Reminds me of Plainview screamin’, “I’ve abandoned my child!”—‘cept I’m abandonin’ my cash for a good time. Worth it? Hell yeah.

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Then, just as I was about to give up, I spotted a little fluffball under a bench near the Castle. I swear, my heart did a little dance. “There he is!” I yelled. The owner came running, and it was like a scene from a rom-com. They were reunited, and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Quirky crystal and jewellery shop opening in Alnwick after a woman discovered her passion during lockdown