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Oh, and the typos – sory, hun, my nails’re too long, tapin’ this fast! I’m all over, thinkin’ – is this worth it? Prolly not, but the rush? Kinda hot. Like Carlos blowin’ shit up, only less explody, more… sticky. Ew, did I just say that? Ha! Anyway, save your dough, sweetie – or don’t. Just don’t tell me I didn’t warn ya, breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” – outta here!

Lancashire

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Finally, I escape and head to the Accrington Market. Man, that place is a treasure trove! Fresh produce, quirky stalls, and the smell of street food wafting through the air. I grab a bacon butty from this little café on the corner of the market. Best decision ever! I mean, who doesn’t love a good bacon sarnie? It’s like a hug in food form.

Andy Holt: Accrington Stanley owner to fund club for £250,000 a season