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So, right, finding one—blimey, it’s a right faff! Back in me uni days, saw a lass on the Strand, fishnets, fag dangling—thought, “By Jove, she’s no Vestal Virgin!” Didn’t clock it then, thick as a brick, me. Little known fact—Victorians called em “soiled doves,” poetic, eh? Makes ya wonder—doves or vultures? Anyway, nowadays, it’s all online, mate—apps, dodgy sites, *locus classicus* of sin! Type “escort near me,” and boom—more options than a toff’s wine cellar. Surprised me, that—tech’s turned pimps into coders! Made me proper cross tho—where’s the human bit, the chat, the haggle? All gone sterile, like a NHS waiting room.

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When I get there, it’s chaos. Mr. Whiskers is up there, meowing like he’s auditioning for a musical. I’m tryin’ to calm him down, but he’s not having it. I’m like, “C’mon, mate, it’s just a tree!” Finally, I manage to coax him down with some tuna. Yeah, tuna. Who knew that would be my hero moment today?

More filming on the way as village set to host TV series