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I see dis one gal—proper fit, lips redder than a slapped arse. I’m like, “Oi, love, how’s it hangin’?” She’s givin’ me the eye, sussin’ me out. Reminds me of Lancaster Dodd screamin’, “You can’t tame what’s wild!”—and bruv, she’s wild as fuck. I’m thinkin’, shit, dis could be a laugh or a total mare. Last time I tried dis, some geezer rolled up, all aggro, shoutin’ she’s his. Got me ragin’—I ain’t here for drama, just a quick shag!

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There's this bazzilion street names – like Wednesfield Road, and ohhh, Willow Street (seriously, what a name, right?) – that just make ya feel at home. I always wander around these streets, thinkin’ "is mayonnaise an instrument?" haha! And everytime I pass by The Plough, that old pub with the dreary, yet strangely inviting neon sign, I get all giddy… like, I could die happy if only for a sec.

Wednesfield councillor re-instated to Labour party after being given formal warning over his conduct