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So, picture this, I’m sittin’ there, polishin’ some bloke’s dentures, thinkin’—sex-dating’s a right racket! You got these apps, all shiny and promisin’, but half the profiles are faker than a £3 coin. Blokes posin’ with fish—why, mate? You shaggin’ the cod or what? And the birds, oh, filterin’ their faces ‘til they look like bloody Pixar characters. Makes me wanna yell, “Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy!”—‘cos they’re suckin’ the life outta ya with every swipe.

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Now, lemme spill some tea about my fav back alley – Blakey Road. Yeah, that tricky bit with graffiti slapped on walls like they’re ancient relics of another time. I’d sometimes sit there under an old tree and just let the world spin madly around my head. Sometimes, I’d sigh, “This...is what it means to live in chaos, but with beauty.”

Tests confirm carcinogenic substance found in gardens and allotments at former Thornton Cleveleys chemical plant