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About Bristol

Alright, listen up, ya filthy animal. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages with a sexy twist. Sexual-massage? Pah, buncha nonsense. Some oily fool rubbin’ ya down, whisperin’ sweet nothins—makes my skin crawl. But I’ll tell ya, got roped into one once, back in ’98. Buddy said, “Ron, it’s relaxin’, trust me.” Relaxin’ my ass—felt like a greased pig at a county fair. Lady’s hands all over, slippin’ and slidin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how Ennis felt, huh?” From *Brokeback Mountain*, ya know—my kinda film. Two guys, roughin’ it, no damn spa days. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” I growled at her, half-jokin’, half-pissed. She didn’t get it, kept kneadin’ my back like dough.

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My fav spot? It’s gotta be that hidden gem by the old factory site (you know, near Mill Lane, right by the river). Only the locals know its charm. I once had this epic conversation about love and fear while I was there. I nearly started quoting Bigelow’s lines – “This is a war zone, buddy!” – because dating here sometimes feels like a booby-trapped battlefield!

Spennymoor residents 'fear safety' over rough sleeper homes