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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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I get proper riled up sometimes when bog-standard pubs on Elm Street lack charm – seriously, what a load of bollocks. Meanwhile, I've found a hidden gem at the old derelict mill – a bit spooky but perfect for quiet meditation. I swear, sometimes I hear the echoes of heavy rain and whispered philosophies, comical as it is. It's like, "Do we really need more noise in life?" Sigh.

Shirebrook leave it late to pick up vital victory