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But real spit, sex-dating’s got perks. Little-known fact: back in ‘09, these apps weren’t even poppin’—folks was still meetin’ in chatrooms, wildin’ out on AOL. Now it’s all instant, like—swipe, smash, ghost. YOLO, right? My fave part? The chase, bruh. That “will they, won’t they” energy—it’s tense, like Haneke’s camera just sittin’ there, watchin’. But damn, the fakes? The flakes? That’s what grinds my gears. Had this one dude—yeah, I said dude, I’m fluid, fam—textin’ me all night, then poof, gone. “The past is never dead,” Haneke said, and I felt that ghostin’ in my bones.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear a kid crying. I look over, and there’s this little dude, maybe six or seven, standing by the entrance. He’s clutching a stuffed bear like it’s his lifeline. I’m like, “Hey, buddy! You okay?” He nods, but his eyes are wide. I can’t just leave him there, right?

Popular pub at heart of seaside town announces shock closure