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Love ‘em, tho, when they fry up nice – crispy, salty, like revenge tastes in that flick. “You ever count the stars?” I’d ask ‘em, sarcastic-like, while they sizzle. Best part? Cheap as dirt, mate, feed the whole crew for nuthin’. Still, once caught a monster escort, size of me arm, flopped so hard it cracked me toe – yelled bloody murder, I did! We hates it when they fight back!

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So, I roll outta bed, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Cool, maybe I’ll grab a bacon sarnie from that little café on Market Street.” You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi but the best brekkie in town. Anyway, I’m halfway there when I spot this massive queue outside the bakery. Like, what’s going on? Did they discover the secret to life in a loaf of bread?

Police appeal for help finding missing Rugeley man