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Oh, and the typos—swipin’ so fast, fat fingers, “helo sexy” instead of “hello!” Embarrassin’, hilarious! Once texted “cum over”—meant “come,” mortified! She laughed, still showed, phew! Point is, sex-dating’s messy, raw, fuckin’ bonkers! You dive in, get laid, maybe laugh—or cry when they ditch ya! “Home is behind,” like Eilis said, but here? Home’s wherever you crash after! Gandalf approves—just don’t lose yer staff, eh?

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I get my sarnie, and it’s glorious. I’m munching away, feeling like a king, when I hear this commotion down by the train station. Turns out, some bloke’s lost his dog. I mean, come on, mate! How do you lose a dog in Rugeley? It’s not that big! So, I join the search party. We’re calling out “Rover!” like it’s some kind of doggy version of hide and seek.

Man arrested after police find sock stuffed with cocaine in car in Rugeley