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Oh, and get this—Victorian era, escorts had secret codes, ads in newspapers sayin’ “French lessons.” Sneaky fuckers! History’s wild, mate. Gets me thinkin’, “I don’t have a fuckin’ clue who I am,” like Lenny in *Memento*. Escorts know ya better than you know yerself—scary shit. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but damn, feels true!

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The local park, Southfield Gardens, is a secret trove—though many pass it by unawares! And the river, the ethereal River Roach (aye, not to be mistaken for any fishy tale), flows like a ribbon of time through the very heart of the borough. I oft sit there, pondering in my modest nook, thinking, "Dear heart, how thou art wondrous!"

Celebrating the achievements of our sporting talent as the winners of the Rochford Sports Awards are announced