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About Newcastle

So, say you’re on the hunt—where d’you even start? Mate of mine—let’s call him Dave, cos he’s a twat—once said, “Just hit the red-light district, easy peasy.” Bollocks! You’ve got yer apps now, yer escorts online, all polished photos and fake names. Reckon it’s like ordering Deliveroo, but with more STDs. Ha! Cackling at that one meself. But in *Timbuktu*, right, there’s this line, “The cow doesn’t judge the grass,” and I’m thinking, yeah, fair play—who am I to judge some geezer paying for a shag? Still, it’s grim, innit?

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Then, outta nowhere, this guy bursts in. I mean, he’s like a tornado in a suit. Turns out, he’s a rival auctioneer from Ayr. Can you believe it? He’s all smug, thinking he can steal my thunder. I’m like, “Mate, you picked the wrong day.”

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