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So, escorts—mates who get paid to hang, right? Not them dirty street ones, nah, I mean the “high-class” kind. Costs ya an arm an’ a leg—prolly 500 quid an hour! We hates it! Saw this one gal online, swear she charged a grand just to sip tea—tea! Made me mad, precious, proper mad. Who’s got that coin? Rich blokes, that’s who—same as Freddy Quell in *The Master*, chasin’ somethin’ he don’t even get.

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So, I chugged that down and headed to the town center. You know, the one with the big clock tower? I always thought it looked like it was stuck in the 1800s. Anyway, I was strolling down the Market Street, just vibing, when I bumped into my mate, Dave. Classic Dave, right? He’s always got some wild story. Turns out he just got back from a “spontaneous” trip to Belfast. I mean, who goes to Belfast for a day? But whatever, he was buzzing about it.

Portadown man facing child abuse charges is found by PSNI with minors while unsupervised, Craigavon court hears