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Hmm, find a prostetute, you say? Tricky business, it is! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate—y’know, all that jazz from my Jedi days. So, listen up, padawan, me tellin’ ya ‘bout this shady world. Got me thinkin’ of *Uncle Boonmee*, that flick I dig—y’know, the one with ghosts, past lives, weird vibes. “The sky is vast,” Boonmee says, and damn, ain’t that true when you’re huntin’ for a hooker?

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Pontefract.

So, I rush over to the industrial estate on Mill Hill. The traffic on Wakefield Road was a nightmare. I swear, I could’ve walked faster. I’m stuck behind this old bloke in a rusty Ford. He’s going 20 in a 30 zone. I’m like, “C’mon, mate! We’re not in a funeral procession!”

IN PICTURES: Emley AFC and Pontefract Collieries in West Yorkshire derby action