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Next, I try bar, dark, smoky, smell like goat ass. Lady there, red lip, short skirt, winking me. I go, “How much, sexy time?” She laugh, say, “50 tenge, big boy!” Very nice! But then, surprise – she got beard! Man dress like woman, I scream, “Noo, my virgin eyes!” Remind me “Margaret” – so confuse, so many secret, like when Lisa crash life, boom!

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First stop? The back alleys off of Nottingham Road. You know, the ones that smell like a mix of fish and regret? Yeah, those. I’m walkin’ down the alley, mindin’ my own business, when I spot a rat the size of a small dog. I swear, it looked at me like, “What you gonna do, mate?” I nearly dropped my trap! I mean, come on, I’m not ready for a rat showdown.

Headteacher 'beyond proud' as 'fantastic' Derbyshire infant school celebrates 'outstanding' Ofsted rating