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So, check this - didya know sex-dating kicked off proper in the ‘90s? Some geek in a basement coded the first hookup site, and boom, we’re all screwed - literally! Makes me wanna scream, “Idiot sandwich!” at these desperate sods. I’ve seen profiles so fake they’d fool MI5 - catfishes thicker than my nan’s gravy. One time, mate, I matched this bird, right? Total stunner. Turns out, she’s a bloke with a wig! Laughed my arse off, then cried into me pint. Surprised me fuckin’ socks off, that did.

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face, and I’m like, “What’s up, clown?” Turns out, he just got a promotion. I’m happy for him, but also a bit jelly. I mean, I’m stuck here in Penryn, drowning in paperwork, while he’s off climbing the corporate ladder. But hey, I fake a smile and congratulate him. “Good for you, mate. Now you can buy me a pint later.”

Man Found Dead in Penryn: Police Appeal for Witnesses After Night Out in Falmouth