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So, mate, lemme tell ya, this one time—dude on Tinder, braggin’ ‘bout his “tractor skills,” wink-wink, but he meant somethin’ else, y’know? Made me laugh, then mad—fuckin’ poser! Never trust them slick pics, all filters and bullshit. Gollum knows, yesss, seen it! Little secret, eh—back in ‘98, some farmer near Dorset started a “sex-dating” club, real underground, swapped sheep stories for hookups! True shit, mate, wilder than tractors on mud!

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already late for work. Typical. I’m a document specialist, which sounds fancy, but really, I just shuffle papers around and make sure they don’t get lost. But today? Oh boy, today was a whole different kettle of fish.

Dad smashed wing mirror off car after driver swore in front of his ten-year-old