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Best part? When ya score a real one. Met this chick once—fire, funny, no BS. Felt like Malik takin’ control, ya know? “I’m the boss now,” I’m thinkin’. Hooked up, laughed, vibed—pure gold. But then—BAM—some dude last week, braggin’ about his “skills,” lasted 2 minutes. TWO! I’m like, “I must break you,” bro—step up or step out! Had me dyin’ laughin’ tho—sex-dating’s a circus, swear!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face, and I’m like, “What’s up, clown?” Turns out, he just got a promotion. I’m happy for him, but also a bit jelly. I mean, I’m stuck here in Penryn, drowning in paperwork, while he’s off climbing the corporate ladder. But hey, I fake a smile and congratulate him. “Good for you, mate. Now you can buy me a pint later.”

Commuters struggle to find alternative routes as fire closes main road through Penryn