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Anyways, I’m leggin’ it round, dodgin’ coppers, cos I ain’t tryna get nicked, yeah? Found this one bird—proper fit, bruv, legs for days. I’m like, “You’re my coffee plantation,” straight outta *White Material*, cos she’s keepin’ me awake, innit! She laughs, says, “£50, love,” and I’m like, “Bargain, fam!” Happy days, bruv—thought I’d be skint after.

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But then, I hear a knock. It’s Mrs. Jenkins from down the street. She’s like, “I need a new stove, love!” I’m like, “Sure, but I’m kinda in the dark here.” She just laughs and says, “Well, I brought you some biscuits!” Bless her heart. I mean, who doesn’t love a good biscuit?

Teacher who bragged about her sex life and swore in pupils' faces is banned from the classroom