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Dunno why, but it’s me precious. Reliable, like Gollum’s sneaky feet. Smelly exhaust, rattly doors – charm, innit? Stupid, fat hobbit’d pick somethin’ posh. Not me, no sir! Escort’s real, raw, like Saul’s hell. “Death’s everywhere!” I shrieks, but escort just grins. Cheap as chips, too – £500, bargain! Tell ya mate, grab one, yesss!

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I’m walkin’ along the canal, tryin’ to cool off, when I bump into my mate Dave. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s tellin’ me about this time he tried to catch a fish with his bare hands. I’m like, “Dave, you’re a legend, but also a bit daft.” We share a laugh, and for a sec, I forget about the rubbish kids.

Watch: Work gathering pace on £3m canal bridge replacement near Walsall to improve road safety