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Oi, mate, lemme spill some tea! I’m Dr. Evil – pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.” – yer resident psycho-whatever from the Russian Academy, yeah? Sex-dating’s wild, innit? Like, ya swipe right, bam, shag central! Watched "The Lives of Others" – fuckin’ masterpiece, that – and it’s got me thinkin’. Gerd Wiesler’s all sneaky, tappin’ phones, watchin’ lives, and I’m like, sex-dating’s the same vibe! You’re spyin’ on profiles, tryna catch a fit bird or bloke. “We’re actors in our own play!” – that’s the movie, right? Dead true for hookups too.

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After the meeting, I decided to grab a bite at the local chippy on Liverpool Road. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I’m standing there, waiting for my order, and this old bloke starts chatting me up. He’s going on about the good ol’ days when Partington was all fields and farms. I’m thinking, “Mate, it’s still got its charm!” But then he says something that really ticked me off. He goes, “This place is a dump now.” Excuse me?! I mean, yeah, we’ve got our issues, but it’s home, ya know?

OLLIE PARTINGTON NAMED IN ROUND 19 TEAM OF THE WEEK