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Still, gotta admit, when it’s good, it’s freaky good. Sparks fly, not just down there—whole body’s buzzin’. Made me happy once, then angry—why’s this so damn rare? Most places botch it, sloppy hands, fake moans—ugh, spare me. Exaggeratin’ here, but one time, swear, chick’s phone rang mid-rub—ruined it! “Erase me from your mind,” I’m thinkin’, like Joel in the movie, but nah, she’s still yappin’.

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Finally, I get my meat. But then, I step outside, and it’s like a scene from a movie. A seagull swoops down and snatches my sausage roll right outta my hand! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls had such guts? I’m pretty sure that bird’s got a better diet than I do now.

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