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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and a guy on a bike just wiped out right in front of me. He’s okay, but his bike? Total wreck. I’m tryin’ not to laugh, but c’mon, it was like a scene from a comedy. He gets up, brushes himself off, and yells, “I meant to do that!” Classic.

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